Some Jokes that were salvaged from the Humor Junk Yard
| If money could talk, It would say goodbye Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet ? So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills |
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She Thinks We Should Have Left Most of These Wangdodddles in the Junk Heap You get Shorter When you're on Vacation  |
What Friends ?
If your friends were so smart, why would they hang around with YOU?
Rope Brew
A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before?!" "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot.". . . just then a Skeleton walks up to the bar and tells the Bartender "Give me a Beer. . . . and a Mop."
Go Figure
I went to my Doctor, Dr. Feelgood, and told him about my problem. He examined me and ran some tests. He returned and said, "I can't figure out what's wrong with you. But, I think it's the result of Heavy Drinking."
I scratched my head and said, " Really, you think ? Well, I can come back when you're Sober."
Speaking of Truth
How can you tell when a Lawyer is Lying ?
When his Lips Move.
Time for a Snack
Two Cannibals are eating a Clown.
One says to the other -
"Does this taste Funny to you ?".
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Order Up
A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and when the Flirtatious waitress asks for his order, He says, "I want a quickie". She slaps his face and says, "Watch It !, Now, just give me your order?" Again, he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?"
Someone from the next table leans over and tells the Guy, "I think it's pronounced quiche."
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Real Hot Dogs
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived to USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one . The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Curious, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers, then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Remember, nothing has been mistaken for a UFO as many times as Elvis.
Great Excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"
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Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions. |
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